Another thrilling tale of cop derring-do from my big brother.

Well, my brother is getting away from his evil ex, and has moved on to other supernatural experiences. He’s back on the police department and is already in the swing of things, this past week working a case where he had to go interview the Left Hand of Satan.

The Left Hand of Satan was in jail for burglary, which makes me conclude Satan is right-handed.

This tool of the netherworld had the IQ of a dead flashlight battery and had made up his own religion, a quasi-interdenominational version of whatever the hell it is Anton de Levey taught, only this time adding a liberal dose of Babylonian, Sumerian and Lovecraft inspired fiction, as well as a dash of The Exorcist II. It’s not every day you meet a guy who invokes the Wind God Pazuzu, just like Linda Blair did when spouting invectives at Richard Burton (who looked like he was in that flick because he needed the money.)

Anyway, the Left Hand of Satan was a puzzlement to most of the police department who couldn’t figure out his sigils, his Cuthulhu talk, and his devotionals in psuedo-Sumerian. But my brother – with his lifelong interest in the weird – had translated the weirdness in about 45 minutes and was drafted to traipse over to the Mecklinberg County Jail to have a talk with Lefty.

Before the trip, Bro dressed up in his best suit, put on some shades, and picked up a cheap pentagram ring from Spencer’s Gifts because it would look cool to Satan’s Appendage. While the other cops dressed in jeans and baseball caps, Bro’s duds had the desired effect, and Lefty trembled in fear, afraid he was facing one of Satan’s Own Enforcers.

“This guy looks spooky!” Lefty announced. Certain he was in the presence of one of The Faithful, he proceeded to babble along about his evil Babylonian doings, spilling his guts to the spooky guy with the $3 pentagram ring.

Consequently, the Left Hand of Satan is going to be spending a lot of time in the hoosegow, and virgins won’t get sacrificed next Sabbath.

Bro, minion of Gozer, has so impressed the dudes at the department with his penchant for creepy trivia that they are now discussing making him a specialist in supernatural type cop duties.

And his new nickname at the department is Spooky.

Cue theme of the X-Files.

His previous stint as a vice cop can’t possibly compare to spending his days tracking down Satanists, UFO’s, and the Wind God Pazuzu.

My job is so boring.

c

(Recovered from the old blog. Originally posted on December 19, 2005.)