Say kids, I’ve been in this comics business for over 20 years, and I was accused of being a fake geek by men and some very insecure women more times than I can remember, and recently, too.
There were those jerks who picked on me relentlessly during my early years in SF fandom, because I had the temerity to be a blonde girl, therefore I must be intensely stupid and talentless.
There was the envious cosplay queen who threw a fit over my Galadriel costume, because she insisted all the men were voting for me, not because I had a nice costume, but because I was sixteen and…you know. And oh yeah, she cried, “That’s my elf!”
Actually, it’s Tolkien’s elf, but whatever.
The pro who called me a virgin slut for looking wholesome and cute, but she could tell just by looking I was really a tramp. Because hey, girls who complain about sexism are whiny little snots who just need to accept things as they are and get over it. Shut up and be one of the boys!
There was the time I went to the Oscars, and my glam garnered me some hate mail from people who wrote to let me know I should just get out of comics because I obviously want to be in Hollywood anyway.
Whew, that’s what I get for wearing a dress!
There was that bizarre stalking problem, where I was repeatedly accused of not being nice and accepting of Mr Stalker, no matter how grotesque or dangerous his behavior was, because it is the duty of women in fandom to be an emotional touchstone and nurturer to everyone who demands it of us. Oh yeah, and to put out.
There was all that controversy back in the day over at The Warren Ellis Forum, where women and men who really ought to know better thought nothing of slut shaming, liberal use of the term “nerdbaiting”, and hurling the lovely phrase “attention whore” at women on the forum who did not dress and act as others thought they should.
There is nothing behind this Fake Geek Girl nonsense that doesn’t boil down to bullying. Nothing. What people wear, how they behave, whether or not they are true fans, whether or not they are supportive enough of whatever is in your portfolio: all of that is a red herring. It’s bullying.
You think you’re high? We’ll bring you low.
It’s gatekeeper behavior.
Here’s what it boils down to.
If you are a girl, you owe me.
If you are a girl, you threaten me.
If you are visible in any way, you owe me.
If you are visible in any way, you threaten me.
The real criterion for geek status is not shared interests, but whether or not you got your head slammed into a locker in high school. Fandom as misery contest: only the picked-on may proceed.
We will decide whether you get in the club. We may/may not accept that woman/girl over there, but we get to be judges of you. And the more threatening you are to whatever in us that desires/ fears/ feels that the pie isn’t big enough for everyone to get a slice, then the harder we will push to drive you out.
As if one actually ever wanted to be in a club, as opposed to say, wanting to pass through a convention one paid to get into without being denounced as a whore. As if the judge is in any position to judge anyone else’s looks, behavior, or unspoken intentions.
This is the emotional economics of scarcity.
Listen up, Geek Girl! Your love of Star Wars diminishes theirs. Your comic diverts eyeballs from theirs. Your costume is totally killing someone’s Only Woman in the Room buzz. Your Power Girl t-shirt shamelessly tempts hapless males who know you won’t give them any. Your small stack of books makes their big stack smaller. A pretty geek filmed for the SyFy Channel means a true worthy missed a big chance to be on Firefly.
There just isn’t enough good feeling to go around. If too many people claim to love Star Trek, that diminishes the love of a true geek. It diminishes their importance.
The excuse of the bully fan or pro is that the normals/ muggles/ mundanes bullied and shamed them.
The reaction is to bully and shame. Hostility almost always directed at girls.
Bullies who can’t even admit they’re bullies. Bullies entitled to mete out a little social justice to those oh, so deserving, awful dilettantes. Complain about the lack of diversity in geekdom, then follow it up with an act of cognitive disconnect: tweet dreams of a day when real geeks just stand up and scream at the fakers until all the meanies who get too much attention for being pretty/young/blonde/pretend smart/mediocre talent/whatever just get out of our fandom! Because, you know, they don’t live it, like we do.
Geek girls are scapegoats for every girl who didn’t go out with them, didn’t sit at the lunch table with them, didn’t invite them to the prom, didn’t vote for them for senior superlative. Privileged girls. Why, you can tell just by looking at them that they don’t know what pain is.
So, they get schooled.
Folks, I’m sorry some people had a rough time, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to take it out on other people. Moreover, you really can’t tell whether or not someone else has had a hard life because they are too pretty/young/talented/successful/together/happy/whatever-the-hell-it-is that makes you think you get to harass someone for breathing your space. Just because other people don’t wear it like a flag, that doesn’t mean they don’t have problems, too.
And even if they don’t, you still don’t get to throw creep behavior at them.
Those of you who try to convince me that I am somehow diminished when other women get attention I’m not entitled to in the first place, NO, I will not join you on your crusade to drive the dilettantes from our midst. I am not diminished by their presence in any way. A girl cosplayer getting a photo op doesn’t take from me a thing. GAZE does not make me a better person, or a better artist. When someone else gets GAZE for whatever reason, even if it’s because they wore a really tight-fitting costume, I lose nothing. I have no claim to that attention.
I’m pretty secure with my work as a cartoonist, thanks. I wouldn’t have put up with half the shit from some of you people all these years if I weren’t.
But hey, when you throw this argument my way, at least you’re not claiming I’m a Fake Geek Girl. Thanks for that!
None of this will be solved with cute PSA’s, but the dialogue will continue.
In the past, if you said boo about this stuff, you’d get shouted down or ignored.
So, it’s not pretty, but here it is.
Fandom is having growing pains.
And that’s good.
“Bullying” and “safe revenge” — those points really help me understand things I was confused about with this whole “fake geek/not a true fan” thing. I didn’t think of them from that perspective.
Thank you, as always, for the keen insight.
There is no small amount of dark irony in the fact that a subculture–geeks and nerds–that has historically been the target of bullying and abuse is no the people heaping it on others.
It makes me sad that those who otherwise say they are against bullying still think nothing of leveling those kind of criticisms at others. The need to control everything is … not attractive.
Great post, Colleen! Though it always disappoints me that you had to endure so much of that.
Before, when women like me would speak about this, it happened at a show, or over the phone, or in a nasty letter.
Now it happens online. People can see the tweets and the blog posts. It’s there, and you can see we weren’t making it up. Now we have proof.
This will do nothing to deter those who are in denial, however.
Of course, ten years ago and more, bullying online was pretty vicious on popular forums. But few seemed to care.
I’m glad this is all coming out finally. Before now it was, when this shit happens, who do you complain to? The “brotherhood of evil fandom and he-man women-hater’s club”? Or the “mundanes” who tell you it’s your own dang fault for hanging out with weirdos?
Some guys would complain about how no women liked the things they did; now that there is a rise in more women being visible in fandom they’re complaining about too many being around. It probably comes down to these fanboys not liking women who are into fandom but NOT into them.
Cosplaying seems to be a touchy subject nowadays. To me, there’s a difference between looking and leering. If a woman is wearing a costume that accentuates her figure, odds are I’m going to look. But that’s where it ends (not going to start snapping a bunch of pictures). Some losers following cosplayers to snap candid shots or hit on them is pathetic. Makes it difficult to try to strike up a conversation with a cosplayer since they, unfortunately, have to be on their guard.
If someone is being a poseur, sure call them out on it. I have no idea what some trolls are talking about when they refer to some people trying to get “nerd perks”. Yeah, because I was living the high life due to my knowledge about the X-Men.
There shouldn’t be some sort of knowledge test, that’s ridiculous. Someone may be going to a convention after watching or reading something and wants to learn more. That interest should be cultivated, not denigrated for them being a newbie.
Wow. Beautifully written. One would almost think you’re a professional at this sort of thing.
As someone who was bullied a lot as a kid I’ve (thankfully) never been the recipient of fake-geek-girl bullying, but now I’m wondering if I haven’t internalized my “luck” into resentment of “the pretty girls” in geek subcultures over the years. This essay gives me lots to think about. Thank you.
The one thing I feel I need to add is how heartened I am at all the voices, male and female, speaking up almost immediately AGAINST the bullying. Having visible allies in the fight against this sexist nonsense is one of the best steps towards eradicating it.
Hi Elayne, thanks for that.
I remember you taking some pretty mean stuff from a few people in fandom I’d consider bullies. Sad indeed.
I’m also glad that these days this stuff is less likely to get covered up, or escalate into even more bullying.
Oh, how right I was. Check out the comments here:
http://comicsbeat.com/geek-girl-updates-from-the-past/#comments
“It makes it less special and my time and achievements (if you will) less valuable. That is particularly an issue for me because I suffered over my life for being a “nerd”, so someone who gets to be a “nerd” without the suffering, again, takes away from what I had to deal with.”
Consumer choices equated with actual professional accomplishment.
Pain as a qualification.
If I had this kind of crises over every amateur quality cartoonist out there, a good many webcomics would spontaneously combust. Instead, I just don’t read the ones I don’t like.
It’s really easy to just live and let live when you are confident enough in yourself that everyone else who isn’t as good as you think you are, isn’t trying to steal what you think you’re entitled to.
One of the reasons why I’ve almost completely dropped out of any Fandom related activities (my terrible misanthropy aside) is how insular and orthodox most of the fan communities are. For a group of outcasts and misfits, they can be remarkably mean spirited – ready and willing to outcast anyone who doesn’t fit into their narrow definition of a “fan”.
I’ve always found this orthodoxy very puzzling from groups that are usually marginalized and mocked because they don’t fit in with the rest of society.
Also, the politics in these groups is insane. The petty dictatorships and fiefdoms that seem to pop up in fandom make interacting with those groups, never mind trying to join one, completely intolerable.
I must say that these people with severe cases of arrested development sure make me feel better about myself everyday they post such nonsense. I had it rough and others have had it rough for their fandom but we’re not the same “nerdy” kids we were back in the day. If you still see yourself as that, then that is how others will most likely perceive you to be as well.
This faux angst reminds me of something a comedian I listened to once said about people who can’t let go of petty little problems, “Imagine your problems are like a river. So why don’t you now come down off of that cross, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it!”
First, I want to thank Justin and Jeremy for the loan of original art from A Distant Soil. Both gentleman had key pages which would have been very difficult to restore from the print editions. Thank you SO MUCH.
And Justin: ditto. A lot of what I’ve been posting here for years has not been appreciated. Over and over, whenever I, or any other woman (women in particular, it seems) try to speak out about abuse in fandom, we get a lecture about how much more welcoming fandom is to any other community, and we’re just a bunch of whiners who need to suck it up and get over ourselves.
It’s ridiculous. I can just see them pointing a finger and shrieking TATTLETALE!
Fan politics: what’s that they say about academia? The battles are so vicious because the stakes are so low.
The internet has taken a lot of power away from some very abusive big name fans, because we can reach fandom without having to go through that particular type of gatekeeper.
You can find an online community that suits you, and leave when it doesn’t. It’s easy.
Pro politics are another matter, but the internet is changing that, too. I mean, some big name pro shoots his mouth off, it has repercussions, doesn’t it?
In the past, these dudes would get a slap on the back and another beer.
The one thing I am glad about getting older is the ability to shrug a lot of stuff off that used to get under my skin. I never thought of the hassling I got as being anything different than I would get at school. It sucked. I got through it but I never thought that it gave me props to hurt others.
I just tried my best to help others who I saw in the same situation.
History has shown time and time again that one of the requirements of normalization within a group is to find some other group to point fingers at in order to make yourself more legitimate. It somehow makes you part of the “in” group if you throw someone else under the bus. Fandom is no exception to this.
As Colleen said, the good thing about the internet is the ability to pack up and go. You don’t have to stay where you’re not wanted. Its amazing how the simple act of leaving can send people off into a fit of rage that you aren’t letting them tear you down any more. I’ve gotten more hate mail for leaving negative internet situations than I care to think about and most of them were empty threats that were easily taken care of with the use of a ban button.
Life gets a lot quieter after that.
Marina, your remark about “how the simple act of leaving can send people off into a fit of rage that you aren’t letting them tear you down anymore” is so true. I’ve walked away from message boards and over time really don’t feel like I’m missing much anymore. I had a falling out with someone on Facebook who sent me a PM cursing me out and telling me to never contact them again. Apparently, they had expected me to respond back groveling but instead I just clicked “unfriend”. They went ballistic that I “dared” to do that and blocked me; as if that’s a punishment for me? Plus most of the common friends took this person’s side and cut off contact with me as well. At first that was depressing but the good thing about the Internet is I can just move on that much better. Plus, it helps I’m not as emotionally stunted and thus have actual friends to talk to and spend time with.
My enjoyment of comics, fantasy, art in general and other subgenres/mediums are aspects of my life but not my whole life. Whereas, it seems that a few of these uber trolls have most of their lives invested in some sort of fandom and can’t handle any deviation from some absurd coda of said fandom.
I think you hit the nail on the head, Jeremy. There are people in this world who have nothing else BUT the fandoms they inhabit. Its amazing to me but its true that there are people who don’t have much of a life outside of the fandom they love. Its sad really.
Its also about control. They lack control and so they have to ensure they have it in their little piece of the pie that they are entitled to (in their own mind). As long as you let them yank your chain and keep you on tinderhooks they are perfectly content and happy to keep doing so. The minute a person wises up and walks away it questions their existence and most people can’t stand being challenged in that way if they are insecure enough to start emotional crap in the first place.
I used to be one of those folks that felt horrid unless everyone liked me. And to a large degree I still am but something this last year changed. I’m not sure what happened but suddenly I just stopped caring what other people thought as much. Especially if they weren’t family or friends or they didn’t involve my potential career. I generally have a thought process that goes “Did I exist just fine without this person in my life before now?” if the answer is yes and the person is just bringing crud to my door that wastes my time I usually just let the situation die off on its own.
Life is a lot quieter that way. To be sure I had to ween myself off of the adrenalin rush the angst gave me but doing so has made me healthier over all I think.
I can relate to being concerned about what others thought and trying to fit in for acceptance. However, I also have begun to have a mindset of really not caring what most people think about me. I value the opinions of close friends and family but otherwise someone disliking me for some asinine reason is inconsequential. I have more important things to focus on and not going to have some troll be a detriment to how I view myself or my interests. To quote a line from a movie “Your opinion of me has no cash value.”
Plus not being hung up on all the drama on message boards has freed up a lot of time. I didn’t realize until after some fallout just how much of a time sink those forums and discussions could be. Also worked out in an oddly coincidental way that I had started to reconnect with some friends whom I hadn’t spoken to in years (a series of moves sort of made it easy to fall of the grid with each other). Spending time with them and catching up helped bring it into perspective as to who are my “real” friends and those that are just downers and drainers. Far better off now and can also enjoy my interests more without worrying about how others view them as well. Having the mindset (sort of) of that I am a fan but notsomuch engulfed in fandom.
Great discussion. Some people in fandom are deeply invested in the Vast Importance of It All. And they don’t take rejection very well. Nothing drives them crazier than your refusal to participate. People go insane if you walk away, and say “No more.” Like they are entitled to your time and energy. No.
There is no social contract that anyone signs when you get into fandom that says you have to tolerate abusive people.
Agreed, Colleen. You can’t control what people will read or decide about you but you can control how much information you let out about yourself and how much you respond to it. I tend to keep my private stuff private a lot of the time. I do like posting happy things when I can, My fb has my entire family on it so in a way its the most protected space I have on the net because of it.
Its a good thing because it lets my family find out how I’m doing and keep up with childhood friends I had.I tend to forget about it for long stretches though. Especially if I’m working on a project.
Absolutely. I got a good lecture from JMS years ago about how I was too revealing on my old blog, which was why I removed it. I don’t discuss my private life in public. I was truly astonished by what lengths people will go to to find out things about people on the internet. All I had to do was start paying attention to the search terms coming in to my stats.
My favorite search term: “Colleen Doran Net Worth”.
Every so often I check the net for things to see what is out there about me. Its amazing what folks can find out about you if they try. First rule I go by is if its something you don’t want known don’t put it on the internet. Its worked well for me. Not that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet.
Unfortunately, you don’t have to put anything out there. People will put it out for you. Lots of it isn’t true.
For example, I have several boyfriends I was very surprised to find out I had.
For the record, I have never had a boyfriend named George, Kevin, Warren, Scott, or Rikk (yes, that’s two K’s,) Richard, nor a boyfriend named Mike with the last name initial G.
You may accumulate a fake boyfriend geek if you buy some dude at a convention a grilled cheese sandwich. Or if you shop at his store once too often. Or if you hire them to pack and ship boxes for you. Or if you’ve never met them at all.
Fortunately, I don’t think I’ve had a fake boyfriend in a good ten years, but God it’s awful when it happens. Now that I’m in my 40′s, I guess the fake boyfriends will seek out fresher meat. I’m not getting older, I’m getting less creep baggage.
I used to think this was just me, but I really don’t know too many women in fandom who haven’t accumulated some fake boyfriends. Some men have accumulated some fake girlfriends. Goes with the territory, I guess.
But we’re supposed to fight the real enemy: the mythical Fake Girl Geek.
Yeah, whatever.
I’m going snipe hunting.
I went through something similar but somewhere along my 30′s it stopped being an issue for me thank goodness. The oddness of fandom never ceases to amaze me.
Yes, the internet has helped us all feel less isolated about this sort of thing.
Not that I would wish this behavior on anyone else, but there is some comfort in knowing one is not some sort of personal weirdo magnet.
Now that I know it is common as crabgrass, it feels less like a personal failing, and more like something I just have no influence over or can’t control. Like a sinus infection.
I got an email requesting I link to the bizarre blog post from years back excoriating me in public for being mean to the stalker guy. At this point, I’m not even sure I could remember what her name was. The link is gone with the wind too, as of about 5 years ago. And good riddance.
There are a lot of things that happened in my 20′s in fandom that I found happened to a lot of women my age. It helped me to realize that there are just weirdos in the world who freak folks out.
Its made me a bit jaded and leary of folks but not horribly so. A little bit of skepticism is a good thing I think. I’m glad your issues went away though. Mine did as well and its a relief.
Well, when you and I got into fandom, there weren’t many girls at conventions. We were the focus of unusual attention. That’s just not the case anymore. I go to shows, and there’s an almost even split of men and women.
Also, a lot of the harshest focus is on young girls.
It wasn’t our fault. We didn’t do anything to invite it, we didn’t give out victim vibes, we didn’t ask for it.
Some people just don’t know how to behave.
And if I hear one more jerk spout that nonsense about “If you respect yourself, others will too!” I’m going to smack them upside the head (Metaphorically. We do not encourage violence). This pushes the idea that if you are subjected to bad behavior in some way, you signaled that you were receptive to it.
Stop that crap. There are predatory types whose specific focus is on “conservative” girls, others specifically target women who seem powerful because they want to drag them down. My stalker signaled me out, because he wanted a virginal teenager.
Quit trying to make the behavior of aggressors about the flaws in the victim. The victim is just going about their business.
A woman’s wardrobe isn’t going to make a gentleman of a creep, you realize.