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A Letter From a Friend

I’ve written many times about toxic fan groups, and one of my oldest friends in fandom wrote me a letter about it. Printed with permission and light edits to remove personal information.

Yesterday I got into a twitter-spat with a friend from many years ago.

It was really kind of terrifying, but it gave me the opportunity to reflect on one of the things I am most thankful for.:

Having known you.

That fellow and I were once quite tight. What’s scary is that looking back I was well on my way to ending up like he has.

The man I spoke to yesterday was once just like me and is now sustained only by resentments and finds his self worth only in vitriolic hatred masquerading as righteousness.

Knowing you when I did helped to blow fresh air on the dying embers of my self awareness. It inspired me to get the hell out of the emotional tar pit my social circle often was, and, as a wise person once said, stop “muddling through life with delusions of adequacy”.

The seeds of sloth, cowardice and hate are within us all. A lack of self reflection and malignant associations are the water and soil needed to grow those weeds. Knowing you helped me catch myself, and be on guard against the self destructive aspects of my nature.

For that I am forever thankful.

I once had it out with this friend, and a few other friends, that the fan circle was dragging them down and keeping them in a place where they could never be outstanding in any way. The entire group were the biggest bunch of crabs in a barrel I’ve ever encountered.

I could be pretty harsh, telling someone they were “muddling through life with delusions of adequacy,” which wasn’t a very nice thing to say. But it drove me crazy how often these talented, smart folks would settle for less, or worse yet, let their fan circle of “friends” deliberately drag them down and belittle them until they stopped trying for better.

They were the sort of people who were always there to buy an alcoholic another drink, which is not a metaphor.

You need serious emotional backbone to get away from that dreck.

The worst fan art and fan fic were given golden trophies for participation, but by God, if you went pro or accomplished something in the real world, they’d piss on it.

If you were one of the few pros in that circle, you’d better stay low enough not to rise higher than their egos. I recall one writer whom I’d known for years who became inflamed with jealousy when I started working with J Michael Straczynski! The jealous writer (you’ve no doubt never heard of him, he doesn’t write fiction) sent me furious emails about how my life would soon be ruined by all the hi-flying people with whom I was keeping company.

Obviously, I was undeserving, and these people were just messing with me.

As of 2004, he was still advising me to get out of comics as he’d done for years, since that comics gig was going nowhere!

Whew, sure glad I didn’t listen to this dude!

My response to the letter.

I want you to know once more how much this meant to me.

I realized a long time ago that many of my early friends in fandom and prodom were incredibly toxic people. They don’t like to see you change or get better at anything. They just want everything to remain as it was in 1987.

I think I finally cut ties with all of these people and my life has changed for the better. I’m glad I didn’t steer you wrong.

I can’t believe how angry, resentful, and full of self pity some of these people are, and so ready to drag other people down over the dumbest things. I think they were always like that, I just didn’t see it.

Anyway, thanks again

I haven’t spoken to that ass of a writer in well over ten years. Or any of the rest of these people.

Good riddance.

23 Comments

  • Kayeri

    I’m just grateful that that everything you’ve been through with this kind of thing hasn’t soured you on fans altogether. I’m not sure I could have said the same, had I walked your parth!

  • Colleen

    Well, I came from fandom, many of the fans I met I am still friends with, but there was a viper’s nest of fans and pros from my early days that – what a shocker! – continues to be a nasty, destructive bunch. I didn’t realize how much older some of them were than I was until one of them died at the age of about 85 recently, so I definitely think there was a gender gap resentment going on there. The vast majority of them are in their 60’s-70’s now.

    But I don’t think bullying in fandom has gotten any better. It’s easy to be abusive online, the way we saw over the last couple of years with things like Gamergate.

    It makes me sad to see the things girls fans say to each other, too. Tumblr fights are crazy. And it seems the more unhealthy and abusive the fan, the more they attract followers. It just makes me cringe.

  • Colleen

    EDIT: I decided to remove this, because this person would recognize themselves, and I don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

    Let’s just say I ignored warning signs, tried to help someone out I knew I should keep my distance from, and got burned. Badly. That is all.

  • Jeremy_A

    While some I’ve gotten to know via virtual fandom have been good people, far too many take any difference of opinion or different interests as a personal affront. There’s a difference between asking “why do you like that?” (Which can indicate an inquiry into someone’s interests) and “How can you like that?” (Which is more judgmental).

    Instead of just accepting that someone isn’t going to like what you do, some seem to make it a personal cause to point out how someone is wrong for liking/disliking the things they do. I have no interest in seeing “Batman vs Superman” but I’m not going to refer to those that do as “what’s wrong with fandom” as I’ve seen some do.

    Been on the receiving end of the “tall poppy syndrome” also at some cons. Some of us in line were showing commissions and pages we each have and complimenting each other’s collections when someone saw some of mine and went “That artist is rather pricy. Must be nice to have so many of their work, not many here can.” Wanted to tell the person off but it wasn’t worth it. Not going to apologize for working hard in my career and saving up for certain works.

  • Colleen

    FYI, one of the things this person has not said in this letter is that we went for some years without speaking. Entirely my fault. The writer I mention spent a good deal of time poisoning friendships, and when I finally realized I’d been lied to, I had to go to my old friend and apologize for believing some dumb, bad stuff. Ironically, all dumb, bad stuff the writer did himself in a clever bit of splitting and misdirection.

    I used to trust this writer. He could gaslight like a champ and was very controlling. If another party had not forwarded about 200 emails he’d been collecting from the writer over the years, I might have gone on being duped for God knows how long. I didn’t realize the extent of the problem until I finally moved away and his controlling nature became more obvious, such as when he wrote the jealous email about Straczynski.

    I felt terrible about how I’d treated my friend, and apologized fully.

    I am grateful to be forgiven.

  • Colleen

    Well, true enough! Not everyone we have problems with is a cultish whackadoo, but some people definitely are.

    And of course, some great people come from fandom. If you can just avoid the wankers, you’re good. I’ve written before that almost every single person I ever had a serious problem with – fan or pro (can only think of one exception to this) – is someone I encountered before I was 25 years old, young and dopey. I just didn’t recognize the danger signs.

    Now I do and walk away quietly and quickly before damage gets done.

  • Tenacious3

    If you don’t mind, I’d like to know what you meant by “muddling through life with delusions of adequacy”.

  • Colleen

    OK.

    Putting fandom and fannish activities above real life activities, letting success at fanac or fame in fannish social circles become more important than other accomplishments or obligations.

    There is an enormous amount of social pressure in some groups to serve the interests and needs of the group. And some people become so involved in fanac, that they would forego paying rent to get to a convention. If they owed money to a friend, they’d spend that money first on toys and games. If there was an important deadline or a test at school, fandom came first.

    Pros would encourage gullible fans to treat them like gurus, and let these poor people just spin and spin and spin around them like they were the sun itself. They suck up fan adulation like vampires and ruthlessly take advantage of them.

    You should never, ever treat a pro like they’re the guru of anything.

    We write and draw stuff, we can’t save your soul.

    Fandom is great. Fanac is great.

    But when you are at the point that your rent is not getting paid because you have to go to a convention, and going to a convention is not something you do for a living, you’re doing life wrong. If you are reduced to living in your car because you would rather do fan stuff instead of face the reality that you’re not performing well at your job because your life is all about your next anime fix, you’re doing life wrong.

    No matter how much fun fandom is, adults responsibilities come first. Living in your car and mooching off friends to get by so you can make it to the next convention is “muddling through life with delusions of adequacy”: being enabled by your social circle to slowly poison your life with self-destructive behaviors.

    The irony in all of this is the same group that would openly encourage you to do things that would be bad for you, would be the same group that would gossip about it all.

  • kjc

    Wow…the behavior you just described is the same behavior that people with major drug and alcohol addictions engage in.

  • Jeremy_A

    Your statement about “putting fandom and fannish activities above real-life activities” is something I think explains (in part) some of the “gatekeepers” in that their fandom is all they have. As opposed to others whose fandom is a part of their lives but not their entire lives. Having more diverse interests can be good not just for personal development but also peace of mind so as to not have a monomania.

    Some that I used to converse with (emphasis on the past tense) shockingly didn’t get it as to why I wasn’t bidding on certain backissues or buying one of those limited edition statues. Saying “I like it but not enough to not pay my utility bills this month” elicited the reply “Just charge it, you HAVE to have it!” Art may feed the soul but I need food in my belly.

    I can talk about art collecting and comic-related movies and tv shows ad nauseum but I have also gotten better at having the self-awareness that some of my friends get the “deer in the headlights” expression. When some talk about their favorite sports teams, I joke “Good Lord, is this what I sound like when I talk about comics?”

  • Colleen Doran

    Great comments. I think you nailed it. When our self identification becomes completely wrapped up in fanac, then everything we are depends on it, and anything that stands in the way of that is the enemy.

    And I speak as someone who knows full well that I’ve done some really dopey things fanac wise that were not good for me or my work. Whether it’s allowing myself to get involved in an internet argument that ate up time and energy, or listening to the person who encouraged me to buy something I really couldn’t afford, or even something as obvious as spending too much time blogging when I was just using that as an excuse not to get my work done!

    All things in balance!

  • Jeremy_A

    I admit to getting worked-up at times by some click-bait blog posts but later wind up chiding myself for wasting time having that occupy my headspace. When I wind up working over a weekend I think “So, was spending the time re-reading that comments section worth it?”

    Art collecting can be a bit of an outlet for me and also something I can enjoy as something that came from saving as opposed to just working to pay bills. When I see what some pieces sell for, my jaw drops and wonder who has that kind of money. But when I see some fans setting up donation pages due to putting themselves in debt but aren’t willing to sell any of their collectibles, that irks me. Especially when I know how much they’ve dropped on art from certain artists I’ve also purchased from in the past.

  • Colleen

    Yeah.

    A dude I used to know who has a solid job, makes good money, and spend it all on collectibles that clutter his house so much you can’t walk in it had a GoFundMe so he could go on vacation.

    I sell off collectibles when I need money, which is always taken as a sign I must be at death’s door. In fandom, collectibles go last! When I sold some expensive evening gowns on ebay, naturally the rumor spread that I was on the skids.

    Even Jodie Foster has garage sales, folks. I know, because I have one of her suits.

    I’ve always sold off stuff when I needed extra money, and I’ve sold off a ton of stuff to finance A DISTANT SOIL. That’s not down and out, that’s smart.

    I’ve certainly had a few bad years here and there: ironically, back in the days when it was really hard to sell collectibles online. Now it’s easy.

    I’d love to sell off these LOTR collectibles in my attic, which I got because one of the dudes from this old fan group owed me a buttload of money he couldn’t pay. So I got paid in collectibles. Hoo boy.

    They’re nice to look at, I’m keeping some of them.

  • Colleen

    Now that I think of it, I should probably have another sale later this year. I will be back to working full time on A DISTANT SOIL for awhile, will probably want to raise some extra cash. Let the rumor mongering begin!

  • Jeremy_A

    Aside from enjoying original art, another benefit is that it takes up less space than the umpteen backissues I have and trimming my monthly pull list has helped reduce some of the build-up. Though I look at what I have and think “This is going to be a pain to haul once I move.” I’m probably one step below “hoarder” but I know most of my collection I couldn’t give away or will just receive pennies on the dollar. I’ll probably keep some sentimental favorites, limited and signed editions but things that have been in boxes for over a decade unread may get the heave-ho within a few years when I (hopefully) buy my own place. Some “fans” were apoplectic at the notion of parting with decades old collectibles. Life happens, gotta move on.

    Whatever helps fund more ADS is a good thing! Odd how some beat the drum of more creators doing creator-owned work yet when creators find ways to self-fund, there’s a desire to poke at the choices made.

  • Colleen Doran

    I’ve got a ton of stuff in storage I intend to sell off for my next fundraiser. But yeah, I’ve never crowdfunded anything, I do the responsible thing, I sell off stuff, I get criticized for it. That makes no sense to me, it’s like making a moral issue out of a garage sale.

    I recall being at a convention once and had a big box of old videotapes under my table. And my mom was manning the table. Some dude barked at her, “IF Colleen Doran is so successful, why is she selling her collection?”

    And my mom said “Because she’s gone to dvd!”

    The people who have needled me most include the dude who had the GofundMe for a vacation while sitting on Smaug’s hoard of stuff, and a writer who makes his living selling stuff on ebay.

    It’s OK for him to sell stuff on ebay, but when I sell art on ebay, this is a sign of weakness!

    Hoo boy.

  • Jeremy_A

    That reminds me, I really need to toss the mountain of VHS tapes I have. My player went the way of the dodo years ago so I have no excuse to have them around, unless I feel like building a fort. 😛

    I recall some webcomic creator who called those who have kickstarters “beggars”. Yet, years later, when they had one, they kept ignoring those who called out the hypocrisy. That or flat out denied ever saying that. Bizarre.

  • Colleen Doran

    Outrageous! Kickstarters are rarely about the “donation”, the “donation” is just a way of framing a pre-sale. Almost no one “donates” to those things, they just send money to get stuff on the back end.

    I’m 100% against giving money to people who just want to go on vacations or to a convention because they’ve been dopes with their resources, or have tons of stuff on hand they could easily move to finance their play. I’m not going to track them down and get shouty, but I’m not giving them any money, either.

    But using crowdfunding to finance an art project is not the same thing.

    I’ve considered doing a kickstarter at some point, but I know I’m just too overwhelmed with obligations at this time to do it. I need a clear slate to do that, and the Gaiman book took six months longer to do than I planned. It’s been an art triumph (she wrote modestly) and a disaster in every other way, LOL!

  • Jeremy_A

    That’s what irked me and others about the insults. Kickstarters help fund projects that big publishers may not touch and retailers won’t carry. With Kickstarter, the creator has an idea how big a base there is and doesn’t make the mistake of vastly overprinting which I imagine would be disastrous. Plus the freedom to bring their creation to life without signing any rights away and have full control.

    I’ve backed some projects for the copy of the work plus any extras (e.g. prints or sketches) but I won’t back the ones that were basically “pay my rent and other living expenses while I work on this but you won’t get the actual work from this Kickstarter”.

    The fulfillment can be very arduous from what I’ve seen some creators say, compound that obligation with freelance work would be a level of stress no one needs. I pre-ordered my copy of the Gaiman book. Hopefully I won’t get an email saying things get delayed. 😉