I got a note from someone who is very sad to find out that some members of the Comics Hegemony are a bit on the Mean Girls side, and they wanted to ask my advice about what to do about it all. Because when it comes to backbiting and gossip, they’re all pro in that department.
I know how it feels.
Just because someone says they are progressive, or a feminist, or a person of a religious persuasion, that doesn’t make them a good example of any of those things. And that doesn’t negate the ideas behind those things, or those values. It just means that individuals don’t always live up to their ideals.
Deal with the individual, not with what you think they represent.
You can decide for yourself whether or not to try to continue dealing with them or whether you just want to walk away and get on with life.
The constant wrangling for attention and status and political power with some people is just draining, and it is an enormous distraction from the real work you need to be doing and from the real friends you value.
Somebody says your work sucks, so you feel like you have to defend it. Somebody says you’re betraying your political ideals, so they demand you cut relations with people you genuinely care about. Somebody says something about your looks while bewailing people who shame them for their looks.
How much time and energy are you pouring down that hole? Is this really how you want to spend the precious hours of your life?
It’s all a distraction. If they have problems acting congruent with their values, let them work out their issues and get on with your life.
It is OK to not spend time with people who suck the life out of you. There is no rule that says you have to be friends with everyone who has all the right credentials.
The only credentials that matter in relationships are the ones that bring value to your life and work and if someone doesn’t, there’s the curb.
Just because someone says they’re on the side of the angels, that doesn’t make ’em angels.
From my FB page:
The two ethical issues I see coming up in comics circles all the time are The Saint’s Excuse and Self-Validating Virtue: that is, it’s All in a Good Cause, and because I am a Good Person, what I do must be Good. And I see a lot of people doing some pretty shitty things behind that shield of virtue. And I could either wrangle with them which is exactly what they want, or I could just ignore them and get on with life, because outside of some pretty tiny circles of influence in comics fandom, they don’t amount to shit.
‘Scuze my language.
As a friend of mine put it: “You want to tell me how to live my life? Remind me again which of my bills you’re paying this month?”
It is annoying when someone tries elevating themselves by pointing out your failings, yet either justify or back peddle when you point out their misdeeds.
A few friends wonder why I don’t talk to certain people anymore and when I give examples of their toxicity, it pushes a button when I hear “Oh, they’re not like that.” The cliquish behavior some have has me think 1) They’re how old and act like this? and 2) Life sure is better with them several hundred miles away.
Some people just rub us the wrong way.
Some people behave completely differently with certain people over others.
Some people are hyper-vigilant and always looking to manufacture offense from those they envy so then they can justify “punching up” to the awful people who deserve it oh, so much.
And some people do something really awful and come back later pretending nothing happened still expecting to be buds.
I used to try to get along with everyone, and now I don’t. Life is much simpler when you don’t try to make excuses for people for whom there is really no excuse.
They can do what they want, and I can go live my life somewhere else.
Your comment about making excuses reminds me of what a friend of mine and I have discussed about some we know who this past year seemed to have burned bridges on some long term friendships. That those things we’d see as “quirks” are more so flaws/deficiencies: “Once you realize that he’s only going to be out for himself, it’s a lot easier to not expect much from him.”
Though I’m very introverted, I’ve found I tried to be a bit of a people-pleaser, possibly out of some fear of losing friends (tick one off, tick them all off). Going through a few things and really not letting certain things said/done that crossed the line just be forgotten, it’s gotten easier to come to terms that it’s not worth it to have to constantly be on guard for the next insult being passed off as a pearl of wisdom. The few I consider to be my closest friends, I don’t feel that way and I can be relaxed. A good feeling.
I think there’s a tendency to believe that having a lot of friends is a kind of insulation and validation. It’s really not. There is only so much time in the day to dedicate to people who are real friends. You can only have superficial relationships with many people. You don’t need lots of friends, you just need good friends.
Saw this expression and I try to keep it mind: “I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.”
Good one!